It seems that I have regularly felt besieged of late. I have felt emotionally fragile and physically and spiritually depleted. The generally chaotic pace of life has been difficult to sustain, and I found myself confronted with my own failures on a regular basis. I have felt like a disappointment to my family and to those I work with. I have been overwhelmed with inertia and a profound sense of powerlessness and, yes, even sadness — in spite of the multitudinous ways God has blessed me. I certainly do not deserve anything He has given me, and my own glaring inadequacies are screaming for attention. Clearly, I am disqualified for ministry. I am a nefarious (albeit inadvertently so) blot in His Book of Life, a disappointment to the One Who gave His all for me.
I have been battling these thoughts, to no avail, in waves for the past couple of years. I would spring up and resist them for a season, only to be batted back down into the pit. I felt paralyzed, isolated from others, and — worse yet — cut off from God Himself.
Then suddenly, He spoke to me — a clear, loving word of correction that broke through the cloud of sorrow like a bright laser. He said, “Do you realize that when you agree with the enemy rather than with Me, that you are working against Almighty God?” “When you choose to believe the enemy’s opinion of you and align your opinion of yourself with his, you are coming OUT of agreement with Me and setting yourself in direct opposition to My Word and therefore to Me.” That revelation shot through my heart like a lightning bolt! I DON’T want to work against God! I thought I was working FOR and WITH Him, but apparently not!
Yes, I knew that Jesus died for my sins and blotted them out. I knew that, through the atoning power of His Blood, He had qualified me and given me His righteousness and placed me in right standing with God. Somehow, though, I was patently wallowing in unbelief disguised as despair and depression. Unbelief is an ugly thing. I had no idea I was feeding on fatal doses of it! Forgive me, Lord, for kicking against You and Your Truth! Forgive me, Father, for believing the enemy’s (and my own) lies instead of YOUR report about who I am!
Take heed! The enemy’s opinion always makes us feel cut off from the Lord. The Holy Spirit’s conviction has the opposite purpose — to expose the truth, bring healing, and draw us closer to the Father. Father, deliver me from the snares of unbelief and help me to embrace the Way, the Truth, and the Life! Help me to receive Your unending, ineffable, empowering, amazing, extravagant LOVE!
As the old chorus goes: “Whose report will YOU believe? We will [choose to] believe the report of the Lord!” I choose to believe His report about who I am and who He has made me to be. Thank you, Jesus!